[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I have a type: disappointing
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT