@TheMichaelRock

I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.

Sorry, you guys.

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@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@AndyAsAdjective

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Did they try rubbing butter on the boat that’s stuck in the Suez Canal?

@Benjamin4501

Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa

@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@ehdannyboy

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.