Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.
Sorry, you guys.
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Did they try rubbing butter on the boat that’s stuck in the Suez Canal?
Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.