I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
The first matador
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)