I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out