Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Best coffee I ever had was the one that stayed on my bumper for 7 miles
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
I like my men well-rounded
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
I like donuts
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.