@JPLFR80

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

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@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@causticbob

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work