I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
LOL
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be