@JPLFR80

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

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@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

@KentWGraham

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@darksidedeb

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@sofarrsogud

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.