Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol