bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors