when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
That 👊
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza