I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Cause of death: Zumba
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Sniffing the broccoli
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”