I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You Might Also Like
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m so full I could puke a horse
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket