Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Every time my phone rings
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬