I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You Might Also Like
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me sliding into hell like
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”