@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@Sleinso

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series

@brittwastaken

If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls

@Aikiwomannc

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@girlontapas

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.