I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Otters see a butterfly.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.