My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Hero horse inspires millions
Only a mother’s love …
He a real one for that
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok