I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh