I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
How did we not see this back then?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.