I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
(by @ZachWeiner )
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]