I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I needed a laugh this morning.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay