I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE