I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess