#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. ππ
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so Iβve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Your script should feel like a movie. Thatβs why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If Iβve learned one important thing about the human race, itβs that we donβt need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. βNauseatedβ describes feeling queasy. βNauseousβ means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“Why you watching this shit?”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help βbraiseβ your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
It wasnβt weird until my husband asked why I didnβt send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.