I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
When Sting dies I鈥檓 calling him Stung.
Man: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
I鈥檓 married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I鈥檒l open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
In relationships, it鈥檚 important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don鈥檛 I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans