I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.