I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

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Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards


Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.


Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance


me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that


Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.


If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.


I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.