@allforandrea

I just hit a Smart car and now it’s my hood ornament.

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@eff_yeah_steph

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@PhilJamesson

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

@kwirkyKerri

I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@calebsaysthings

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel