When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
😂💯
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one