I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.


Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”


My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT


6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)


Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.


I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube


Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.


Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.