what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
saw this in a dream
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes