I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it