@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

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@AtticusFinch79

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@SherifLSharkawy

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

@dave_cactus

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

@noog

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

@LukeMones

Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway…polite or the ultimate shade?

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*