@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

You Might Also Like

@realHamOnWry

[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.

@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

@sofarrsogud

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

@mikescollins

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

@Twisted_Mettle

RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.

@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@LuvPug

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it