TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
😂 I’m dying over here
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.
Stare all you want.