new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sponch
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]