@juneohara65

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

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@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

@jwoodham

If your building doesn’t have an elevator and you don’t live on the first floor, we can’t date. I’m looking for a relationship, not a gym.

@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@malloryomeara

Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.