I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
The Birdles
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.