I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

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Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.


Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic


If your building doesn’t have an elevator and you don’t live on the first floor, we can’t date. I’m looking for a relationship, not a gym.


me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell


my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .


“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus


Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.