I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting