What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
then why did i get this email
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.