I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Love is always patient and kind.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.