ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*exercises sarcastically*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.