@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

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@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

@markedly

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

@jenyb4

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

@MarieLoerzel

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@jlock17

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@daddydoubts

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.