@Home_Halfway
@sofarrsogud
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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@sofarrsogud
@ohwrigley
Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
@markedly
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
@jenyb4
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
@MarieLoerzel
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
@dankashane20
Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.
@jlock17
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
@Parkerlawyer
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
@JustDontBugMe
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
@daddydoubts
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.