I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

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Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.


HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”


Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer


My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.


Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.


The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.


*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*



Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.


Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.