I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.