[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.
Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!