I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*