I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
termite twitter scares me
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
A drum solo but on your face.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
drew a comic about my origin story