Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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I hope that one day I am as fearless as a New York City Pigeon.
Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!!
Me: It’s for your own safety.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”
(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Manager *starts timer*
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.