I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants