“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before