@dad_on_my_feet

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

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@KSBoswell

so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.

@novicefather

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@SortaBad

Me: hi πŸ™‚

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

@XGroverX

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?