I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.


[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.


So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.


[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?


Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl


Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory


[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”


[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”