The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”