“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
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Him: Sometimes you can be a little… loud.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I’m the only one who can open the fridge.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.
I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.