I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”


At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.


Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.


Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.


He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.


cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice


museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them


Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.


This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!