@thomaskeamon

I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

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@SonOfCha

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

@Donna_McCoy

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

@moneebthinks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@jwoodham

Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”

@gazg74

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]