I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Hmmmmm
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street