@thomaskeamon

I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

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@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@theshantilly

Him: Sometimes you can be a little… loud.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER

@Darlainky

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I’m the only one who can open the fridge.

@bazecraze

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

@DryDickRando

Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.