I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
All. The. Damn. Time.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
God has abandoned us.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon