I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time