[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Sooo many times…..
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The devil.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”