I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
idk what this dog had been going through but same
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird