I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
What the dentist sees
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
notice
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”