“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.