“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs