I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You Might Also Like
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
WTF
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.