“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?


Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.


“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.


Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf


My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.


“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers


Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.


Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy


Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?