@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

You Might Also Like

@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@ItsAndyRyan

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?